On Pretending

So the other day I was talking to a lady, and ended up being accused of pretending to be someone's friend.  From the way she said it, I'm guessing she considered this a pretty heinous crime.  I wasn't really sure what she meant, so I may very well have been guilty.  But I have been thinking a lot about it.  What does it mean to pretend to be someone's friend?  And is it wrong?
How do you get to be someone's friend without being nice in the first place - before you're really friends?  Is that pretending to be someone's friend?  And what about visiting teaching?  I visit ladies every month that I'm not best friends with.  Am I just pretending to be their friend?  And what about the crazy lady who sits next to me in Relief Society and rants to me about her ex-husband clear through the lesson?  Am I pretending to be her friend as I nod politely?  Am I being unfair or dishonest?  What exactly does it mean to pretend to be someone's friend?  If I bring you a loaf of bread, but I'm not interested in becoming blood-brothers (sisters?), raising your children, and letting you run my life, does that mean I'm somehow being false?  Am I just pretending to be your friend?  Have I done something wrong?
I am not writing this post in self-defense. I'm really wondering: Am I guilty? I imagine most of you had this figured out in first grade, but I tend to be a little slow at real-life common sense. 
I can see that a blatant two-faced deception would be very hurtful.  If I lovingly listen to all your deepest secrets, then go blab them to someone else and complain about what a whiner you are, then that would be wrong.  But what if you corner me at church and spill your guts all over my best shirt, even though I was just trying to slip past you to the drinking fountain?  If I avoid you next week, does that mean that I was just pretending to be your friend? 
And how does one pretend to be a friend, anyway?  Being a friend is helping, sharing, talking, caring, and laughing together.  How do you pretend to do all that without actually doing it? 
I admit, I've done all that and then finally gotten tired of the person and decided that I didn't want to do all that anymore. End of friendship.  But does that mean that we never really were friends?  Was I just pretending to be her friend?  Was I not a real friend if I wasn't willing to commit to a lifetime? Was I just pretending?
I haven't figured out all of these answers yet, but I have decided that the root of the problem is deception.  People don't like to be deceived.  They like to think that you're being upfront and honest with them all the time.  Unfortunately, it's very difficult to be both honest and polite at all times.  So what to do?  Will people be more offended by my lack of tact, or by my lack of honesty?  Do you really want to know that I don't like you?  If I'm polite to you, will you think we're friends, and then be hurt when you find out later that I couldn't stand you?  Would it be better not to be polite to people who annoy me?
So the way I see it, there's only two options, here.  At least, only two options if you're looking to be honest in your relationships.  You can either be a jerk and tell everyone exactly how much they annoy you all the time, or you can learn to honestly love everyone.  (Or at least like them.  Let's go with baby steps, here.) 
In Relief Society a couple of weeks ago, they passed out bracelets that had a C, a G, and another C on them.  The letters stood for Criticize, Gossip, and Complain, and they were supposed to remind us not to do those things.  (My bracelet was missing the second C, so I figure I'm free to complain all I want. :)  Yes!)  As I wore my bracelet, I started to notice how closely the three sins were tied together.  If I say "Lucy is so annoying,"  is that criticism, gossip, or complaining?  How do I criticize without gossiping or complaining?  How do I complain without criticizing or gossiping? I guess I could do it to Lucy's face, and then that wouldn't be gossiping.  But it would still be criticizing and complaining.
I started to realize how much of all three I tend to do in a day, and I also realized how difficult it was not to voice all the rude thoughts that popped into my head.  Even when I said, "thank you for signalling, sir," to a car which did not signal, my kids still said that was criticizing.  Sheesh!  I've had to almost give up talking altogether.
Which brings us back around to the same point.  How to be honest and nice at the same time - all the time?  I have never wanted to be a really nice person.  I know, that's a crazy thing to say, but in my experience, nice people get treated very badly.  They are used and abused and walked over all the time, and I just never wanted to be one of those people.  But I may have to change my tune.  I'm learning how very important it is to be genuinely nice, and how hard it is to be honest and polite when you're only nice sometimes or not at all. Of course, it's not hard to do with people that you like, or people that you get along well with.  But even those people are hard to deal with sometimes.  Even the nicest people have their annoying quirks.
So the only real solution is to learn to like people.  The only way to really stop making critical comments is to stop thinking them. The only way to stop complaining is to learn to appreciate.  The only way to avoid only pretending to be a friend is to always be a real friend.
Easy? No.  And as soon as I started trying, it got harder.  People have been even more annoying, they've done more stupid things, and made even more irritating remarks. And I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination.  I'm pretty sure I'm not just noticing them more.  I am sure that any resolve must be tested.  And boy is mine being tested.  (Not that I'm complaining of course. ;)