On Pretending

So the other day I was talking to a lady, and ended up being accused of pretending to be someone's friend.  From the way she said it, I'm guessing she considered this a pretty heinous crime.  I wasn't really sure what she meant, so I may very well have been guilty.  But I have been thinking a lot about it.  What does it mean to pretend to be someone's friend?  And is it wrong?
How do you get to be someone's friend without being nice in the first place - before you're really friends?  Is that pretending to be someone's friend?  And what about visiting teaching?  I visit ladies every month that I'm not best friends with.  Am I just pretending to be their friend?  And what about the crazy lady who sits next to me in Relief Society and rants to me about her ex-husband clear through the lesson?  Am I pretending to be her friend as I nod politely?  Am I being unfair or dishonest?  What exactly does it mean to pretend to be someone's friend?  If I bring you a loaf of bread, but I'm not interested in becoming blood-brothers (sisters?), raising your children, and letting you run my life, does that mean I'm somehow being false?  Am I just pretending to be your friend?  Have I done something wrong?
I am not writing this post in self-defense. I'm really wondering: Am I guilty? I imagine most of you had this figured out in first grade, but I tend to be a little slow at real-life common sense. 
I can see that a blatant two-faced deception would be very hurtful.  If I lovingly listen to all your deepest secrets, then go blab them to someone else and complain about what a whiner you are, then that would be wrong.  But what if you corner me at church and spill your guts all over my best shirt, even though I was just trying to slip past you to the drinking fountain?  If I avoid you next week, does that mean that I was just pretending to be your friend? 
And how does one pretend to be a friend, anyway?  Being a friend is helping, sharing, talking, caring, and laughing together.  How do you pretend to do all that without actually doing it? 
I admit, I've done all that and then finally gotten tired of the person and decided that I didn't want to do all that anymore. End of friendship.  But does that mean that we never really were friends?  Was I just pretending to be her friend?  Was I not a real friend if I wasn't willing to commit to a lifetime? Was I just pretending?
I haven't figured out all of these answers yet, but I have decided that the root of the problem is deception.  People don't like to be deceived.  They like to think that you're being upfront and honest with them all the time.  Unfortunately, it's very difficult to be both honest and polite at all times.  So what to do?  Will people be more offended by my lack of tact, or by my lack of honesty?  Do you really want to know that I don't like you?  If I'm polite to you, will you think we're friends, and then be hurt when you find out later that I couldn't stand you?  Would it be better not to be polite to people who annoy me?
So the way I see it, there's only two options, here.  At least, only two options if you're looking to be honest in your relationships.  You can either be a jerk and tell everyone exactly how much they annoy you all the time, or you can learn to honestly love everyone.  (Or at least like them.  Let's go with baby steps, here.) 
In Relief Society a couple of weeks ago, they passed out bracelets that had a C, a G, and another C on them.  The letters stood for Criticize, Gossip, and Complain, and they were supposed to remind us not to do those things.  (My bracelet was missing the second C, so I figure I'm free to complain all I want. :)  Yes!)  As I wore my bracelet, I started to notice how closely the three sins were tied together.  If I say "Lucy is so annoying,"  is that criticism, gossip, or complaining?  How do I criticize without gossiping or complaining?  How do I complain without criticizing or gossiping? I guess I could do it to Lucy's face, and then that wouldn't be gossiping.  But it would still be criticizing and complaining.
I started to realize how much of all three I tend to do in a day, and I also realized how difficult it was not to voice all the rude thoughts that popped into my head.  Even when I said, "thank you for signalling, sir," to a car which did not signal, my kids still said that was criticizing.  Sheesh!  I've had to almost give up talking altogether.
Which brings us back around to the same point.  How to be honest and nice at the same time - all the time?  I have never wanted to be a really nice person.  I know, that's a crazy thing to say, but in my experience, nice people get treated very badly.  They are used and abused and walked over all the time, and I just never wanted to be one of those people.  But I may have to change my tune.  I'm learning how very important it is to be genuinely nice, and how hard it is to be honest and polite when you're only nice sometimes or not at all. Of course, it's not hard to do with people that you like, or people that you get along well with.  But even those people are hard to deal with sometimes.  Even the nicest people have their annoying quirks.
So the only real solution is to learn to like people.  The only way to really stop making critical comments is to stop thinking them. The only way to stop complaining is to learn to appreciate.  The only way to avoid only pretending to be a friend is to always be a real friend.
Easy? No.  And as soon as I started trying, it got harder.  People have been even more annoying, they've done more stupid things, and made even more irritating remarks. And I'm pretty sure it's not just my imagination.  I'm pretty sure I'm not just noticing them more.  I am sure that any resolve must be tested.  And boy is mine being tested.  (Not that I'm complaining of course. ;)

Food Storage, Hairstyles, and a Bread Recipe

I don't know how it is at your house, but at my house the food storage has always been off limits.  I was very proud of all those #10 cans, and it was clearly understood by everyone that they were not to be touched until the day when we had nothing else to eat.  Soon after we were married (15.5 years ago), Jef and I made an attempt to get some food storage for our new family.  We didn't make much headway, but we did acquire a few cans of food.  It was a comfort to know we had them, and they have been sitting on a shelf ever since.  But for some reason a couple of months ago, I opened a couple of them.  I opened one can of white flour, and one can of wheat.  Who knew that I was actually opening a whole new phase in my cooking?

First of all, the white flour was disgusting.  It was seriously awful.  It just tasted and smelled stale, and it passed on that stale taste everywhere it went. I did manage to make it through the whole can, but it certainly opened my eyes to the state of my food storage.  The can of wheat was better.  It didn't taste or smell stale, but it had definitely lost something during those years of sitting, because there was just no way on earth to make my bread rise when I used that wheat.  (And I'm pretty sure I did try everything on earth.)

So it was clearly time to do something different.  I decided I needed to start making more of my own bread.  I had started making our bread a while before this, but I had been using half white flour and half whole wheat.  But if we're living on our food storage, then white flour is going to become very precious very quickly.  And whole wheat flour is better for you, anyway, right?  So I went in search of a bread recipe that used all whole wheat flour.

I had been using this recipe off of Nicole's food blog, and it was fabulous.  Everyone loved this bread, but it did call for half white flour.  It seemed fairly simple to me to just substitute the white flour for wheat and proceed as normal.  Wrong.  Turns out that leaving out all the white flour results in bread that just doesn't rise very well.  (Even when you're using fresh wheat.)  So we ate some very short, dense loaves of bread for a few weeks until I got sick of it and went looking for a new recipe.

I soon found that the term "Whole Wheat Bread" can mean anything from half wheat/half white flour to adding just one cup of wheat flour.  Rarely does "Whole Wheat Bread" mean that there is no white flour involved.  Who knew?  But I finally found a 100%-whole-wheat recipe that claimed to rise beautifully.  And it did!  It just didn't taste very good, is all.  Sigh.


So here's the part where hairstyles comes in.  (You were wondering, weren't you.)  My theory on recipes is that they're a lot like hairstyles.  Several times my ward Relief Society has passed out a recipe which people were supposed to make and bring to a dinner.  Funny thing is, when we got to the dinner, every dish was different!  And I know that every woman there was thinking, "What is wrong with these people?  Can't they follow a recipe?"  And every woman who made that recipe thought that she was doing exactly what the recipe said.

But recipes are like hairstyles.  Even if you cut your hair exactly like someone else's, it's still going to look different - because it's on you!  No one else's hair does just what yours does.  That lady over there doesn't have your cowlicks, or your wavy parts, or your straight parts.  Her hair is thinner or thicker or finer or coarser than yours.  And even if somehow her hair was exactly the same as yours, she still blow dries it in a different pattern around her head, or holds her curling iron differently, and after all that she has different cheekbones and a different jaw line and different eyes, and it just doesn't look the same.

And that's how it is with recipes.  Probably without realizing it, you have developed your own style of cooking.  You like to add the ingredients in a certain order, and you like to use certain spoons for certain things.  You've decided it's important scrape off every cup of flour, or you've decided that just shaking it til it looks even across the top is good enough.  You diligently measure out every teaspoon of vanilla, or you've given up and just give a good "bloop" for every teaspoon. However you run your kitchen, you've got your own way of doing things, and that will be reflected in the end product, no matter how closely you think you're following the recipe.

My mom made wonderful bread when I was growing up, and it always (that I can remember, anyway), turned out perfectly and was super yummy.  But shortly after I got married I tried to make her bread, and it just wasn't as good.  I always ended up with big holes in my loaves, and the bread didn't have good "crumb."  It just fell apart, and I couldn't even butter a slice without getting a lap full of crumbs. Not that it was dry, it just needed to be a little more dense than it was, and I couldn't figure out how to fix it.  Thus ended my bread-making for many years.  That bread recipe matched my mom's cooking style perfectly, but not mine.  A lady told me a story once about a peanut salad that her mother-in-law made, but which she could never get right.  She even had her mother-in-law stand in her kitchen one time to tell her every step, and it still didn't taste the same.

So I needed to take the best from these two bread recipes and make a recipe that would work for me.  It took several attempts, but I have now settled on the final version.  So part of the reason for the way-too-long preface is that I don't want you to feel bad if this recipe doesn't work for you.  You're different!  And since this recipe is the result of many experiments, it's ok for you to experiment with it as well.  Just because this hairstyle/recipe works great for me, it doesn't mean it won't need some tweaking before it will work for you.  So here you go.

My Version of

100% Whole Wheat Bread

that Tastes Yummy and

Actually Rises

Makes 4 loaves

Ingredients:

13 cups whole wheat flour, divided

1 cup seeds or nuts (optional) (ie flax, sesame, sunflower, whatever.  I like to grind up 7-grain cereal.)

4 1/2 tsp yeast

1 cup mashed potatoes

6 Tbs applesauce (or oil, cooked mashed beans, or cooled melted butter)

1 cup warm milk*

3 eggs

1 cup sugar

5 tsp salt
1/2 cup vital wheat gluten (this will really help your bread to rise, but if you don't have any, then make the bread anyway.)

water (see below for amounts)

Directions:

1. Soak for at least 30 minutes:

     6 cups flour

     5 cups warm water

     1 cup seeds (optional)

     Cover with a damp tea towel

Flour/water mixture shouldn't be too watery. Water should just mix into the flour without any excess.  Make sure there is no dry flour.  Add by the Tbs if more water is needed.  (I've never needed more water.)

2. Start sponge (15 to 20 minutes before starting)

     In 1/2 cup warm water, gently combine 4 1/2 tsp yeast and 1 Tbs sugar until just mixed.

    Set aside.

 Sponge should be visibly active - bubbles forming, etc. (much more than I was used to) - before adding to the recipe.

3.  After flour is soaked and sponge is bubbly, combine in mixer bowl and mix well:

     Sponge                                           3 eggs

     1 cup mashed potatoes                    1 cup sugar

     6 Tbs applesauce (or substitute)       5 tsp salt

     1 cup warm milk*                            wet flour & seed mixture
     1/2 cup vital wheat gluten

  

     * If you didn't add the seeds or nuts, use 1 Tbs dry powdered milk, instead.  

               You don't need the extra liquid.

4. Mix/knead in 6 - 7 cups more flour to the right consistency. Dough should feel pliable and not dry.

5. Knead for 15 minutes. (Yes, you can use your mixer, but take it out and knead it for the last 5      
 minutes by hand.)  Sprinkle counter with small amount of flour as needed to prevent sticking.

6. Place dough in large, greased bowl. Cover with a damp tea towel. Place in warm (not hot!) place and allow to rise until double. (About 1 hour.)

7. Remove from bowl, punch down, and knead by hand for 2 minutes. Divide into 4 equal parts.

8. Knead each individual loaf for 1 minute and form into a loaf. (One recipe suggested rolling it with a rolling pin, then roll up the dough and pinch the ends.)  Place in greased loaf pan.  Repeat for all 4 loaves.  Cover with a damp tea towel. 

9.  Allow to rise until double; about an hour.

10. Bake at 350 degrees for about 35 minutes.  (Bread is not like cake.  It's better to bake it as long as the recipe says and bake it less next time if necessary.)

11. Remove pans from oven and immediately remove loaves from pans.  Place on a wire rack and brush the tops with butter.  Let cool completely before placing in plastic bags. 

In keeping with the food storage theme, I make my mashed potatoes with potato pearls, use powdered eggs and powdered milk, and the applesauce I bottled last fall. And since I have a bunch of buttermilk sitting around from making my own butter, I use some of that for soaking my flour at the beginning. I've also been using 4 Tbs dough enhancer which was left over from trying everything on earth. 

I realize this may be a pain to print, so if you'll send an email to stefanie at skaterace dot com, I'll send you a Word version.

Good luck!

On Losing, Adding, and Resolutions

So, how are your resolutions coming?  It's been a couple weeks since New Years - do you even remember them?  I recently read an article that said weight loss was the number one New Year's resolution.  I know that having just had a baby, that was my big resolution for 2012.  And guess what?  I did it!  Well, ok, I didn't quite make my original goal, which was to lose 40 pounds, but I lost 30, and I'm pretty happy with where I'm at.  I'm thinking that last ten pounds would require more sacrifice than I'm willing to make, and I don't think I realized when I made the goal what a huge difference 30 pounds would make.  So I'm good.

In looking back at the year, however, I have found that keeping that resolution to lose weight didn't quite bring the sense of fulfillment I had hoped it might.  I'm sharing this just because I haven't heard anyone else say it yet. There are so many people out there who really want to lose weight, and since I was one of them, I know exactly how they feel.  But let me tell you what it's like on this side of the fence.  It's not that much different.  Yes, I'm smaller.  My pants are several sizes smaller, and my limbs seem to have shrunk?  I don't know how losing weight makes your arms and legs shorter, but it sure seems that way.  So, I'm smaller and.....  and that's about it.  I haven't noticed all that extra energy I'm supposed to have. I'm not happier or richer or even necessarily more attractive.  I still have the same crazy hair that drives me nuts.  I still have those weird spots on my face that arrived during my sixth pregnancy and never left.  I still have stretch marks covering what feels like a full third of my body.  I still have all those old shortcomings and weaknesses, and it definitely didn't make be a better parent.  As a person I really didn't move forward when I left the weight behind. 

Yes, it is fun and exciting to see the numbers on the scale slide downward.  Yes, it's fun to try on a pair of jeans in a smaller size and find that they do fit.  Yes, it does feel good when someone notices and tells me how good I look, but the boost in self-confidence is fairly temporary - sort of like a new haircut.  Once the new size becomes the new normal, it's just the same old me again. (While it is true that a more drastic weight-loss experience may produce more drastic results, neither of my two readers are obese, so it doesn't apply, and my own experiences are the only ones I can really share, anyway.)

I'm not saying that you should abandon your weight-loss goals.  I don't think you should, and I don't think you would even if I told you to, but what I am saying is that while you're losing weight, you should also be adding to yourself.  In making your goals for the year, be sure to include something that will make you a better person.  Improve your talents, learn to do something new, become more Christlike, create something, give more service, do something you've always wanted to do - so that when your body is as skinny as you hoped it would be, there's also a better person inside of it.  Because who wants to be a mean, ornery, skinny person? And when you reach New Year's Eve 2013, you can feel good both inside and out.